Okay, let’s set the record straight here, particularly for our foreign readers – there is no Loch Ness Monster. The Scottish tourist board would like you to believe this fact is actually a matter of conjecture, but the most credible photographic evidence of Nessie’s possible existence turned out to be a toy submarine with a sculpted head attached.
Therefore, we think it’s time to put an end to this state-sponsored tourist swindling that masquerades as playful speculation and instead appreciate the natural beauty and tranquility of Loch Ness while your ears bleed to the sound of throbbing rock.
What’s it called? RockNess.
Where’s it at? Clune Farm, Dores near Inverness.
When’s it kicking off? June 7-8.
Who are the headliners? Fatboy Slim, The View, Razorlight, Underworld.
And the flatliners? Fatboy Slim, CSS, Does It Offend You, Yeah?
How do the organisers describe it? “The coolest Scottish festival. Get ready to shake it and get your rocks off alongside the best artists in electronic, dance and rock & roll at one of the most breathtaking natural festival sites in the world. The only festival with its own monster!”
What’s its pedigree? This is the 3rd year.
Most likely to be attended by: Lost American tourists, anyone who is oblivious to the fact 90s dance music has dated as much as shellsuits and Doc Martens.
Verdict: If you’re a clubber, there are too many guitar bands; if you’re an indie kid, there’s too much dance. If your tastes aren’t quite so one-dimensional, it’s spot-on.
ESSENTIAL ROCKNESS SOUNDTRACK:
4 The View – I’ve Just Seen A Face
4 The Twang – Wide Awake
4 Mylo – Drop The Pressure
4 Razorlight – Yeah Yeah Yeah
4 Editors – Smokers Outside The Hospital Bed
4 The Dykeenies – Death To The Dancefloor
4 Pete And The Pirates – Bright Lights