When the 2011 Mercury Prize shortlist was announced on July 19, it incited the usual public outpourings of disillusionment, consternation, mock-horror and Twitter rage.

Yet how many of you whingers had actually sat down and listened to all 12 albums before coming to your damning verdicts? None, that’s how many.

That’s precisely what the judges who pick the (inevitably rubbish) winner would have done – so how can anyone, in all fairness, doubt their (rubbish) judgement without putting themselves in their shoes?

So we decided to do just that. ‘We’ being The Pop Cop’s Subcity Radio team of me, co-presenter Big D, producer Breda and the Voiceover Lady.

In one sitting, we listened to every track of every album – a nine-hour slog only interrupted by a break for pizza and fuelled by a toxicating mixture of Red Bull, Magners, Kronenbourg 1664, Pepsi Max and blackcurrant Ribena.

If that wasn’t arduous enough, I had to scribble down the highlights of a four-way debate as it was happening. Once an album had finished we gave it a mark out of 10, and at the very, very end we tallied up each of their average scores to figure out who our winner was. A flawless scientific approach, I’m sure you’ll agree.

If you want to know how it went in a word, the word is SLOWLY.

Two words? TORTURED SLOWLY.

1,800 words? Oh, alright then…

Adele – 21

1. Rolling In The Deep
Big D: Stonking rhythm section. It’s all downhill from here.
Breda: I hate it. People say she’s so soulful but I don’t believe her.
TPC: I still think this is a great song.
VL: I’m over it. It’s been played to death.

2. Rumour Has It
Big D: This doesn’t speak to me.
Breda: You can’t deny that she can sing, she’s got a great voice.

4. Set Fire To The Rain
Big D: Such a pretentious song title. This is like a Thelma & Louise driving-off-the-cliff song.

7. Take It All
VL: It’s all a bit beige.
TPC: The fact that she’s become a hugely successful female singer without having to prance around in her pants or sign to a major label… does that not make her a good role model?
VL: I guess so. But I bet people who bought this album are thinking, ‘This is actually quite terrible’.

10. Lovesong
Breda: It’s like an X-Factor audition with too much warbling and the judge says, ‘Gonnae not do that’.
Big D: You can imagine hearing this in a coffee shop. I can picture the scene. The customer walks up to the counter. ‘Can I get an Americano, please… and can you turn that rubbish off?’
TPC: I genuinely thought it would be a better album than it is.
VL: There’s such a thing as great background music but this isn’t it.

11. Someone Like You
VL: I do like this song, I’ll give her that.

12. If It Hadn’t Been For Love
Big D: I don’t think this would get me in The Mood.
Breda: It is a weird album, it’s all over the place.
VL: It sounds really forced, like she’s singing through her nose on purpose.

13. Hiding My Heart
TPC: This song is actually pretty decent. If I was at T in the Park, I’d hold up a sign which read, ‘TUNE’.
Big D, Breda, VL: !!!
TPC: Or not.

Scores:
Big D: 4
Breda: 2
TPC: 3
VL: 3

Anna Calvi – Anna Calvi

1. Rider To The Sea
Big D: Woah, I’m in the Wild West. This could send me to sleep, in a good way, like one of those CDs with whale noises.
TPC: She sounds like she’s in pain.
VL: Maybe she’s just listened to the Adele album.

2. No More Words
Breda: The funny thing is that she’s emulating PJ Harvey, yet Anna Calvi is the one who’s more likely to win the Mercury Prize.

3. Desire
Breda: I can imagine dancing to this at her gig.
TPC: Song of the day so far.

5. First We Kiss
Big D: This is giving me a migraine.
Breda: The warbling is a bit like Adele.

7. Blackout
Big D: This reminds me of Roy Orbison.

8. I’ll Be Your Man
Breda: These could be instrumental tracks.
VL: I like what she’s doing with the music but if her voice was a bit calmer…

9. Morning Light
TPC: If some else was singing the same songs it would be alright.

10. Love Won’t Be Leaving
Big D: This is like walking through a house of mirrors, bleeding, in some arthouse film.

Scores:
Big D: 1
Breda: 3
TPC: 1.5
VL: 3

Elbow – Build A Rocket Boys!

3. With Love
Big D: Can’t go wrong with some clapping.
VL: This is a bit rubbish.

4. Neat Little Rows
TPC: I’ve lost interest.
VL: They seem to have abandoned melody on the way.

6. The Night Will Always Win
Breda: The tempo isn’t really changing, it’s not going anywhere.

7. High Ideals
Big D: It’s mellowing me out.
TPC: It’s anthemless
VL: It’s really, really dull.

8. The River
TPC: This is the best track so far.

10. The Birds (Reprise)
Breda: It’s so monotone.
TPC: I can’t imagine ever listening to this album ever again.

11. Dear Friends
Big D: It’s just sapped all my energy.
Breda: It’s not what I expected. I thought it was going to be a pleasant album. It’s really not good. It’s been the hardest thing to listen to.

Scores:
Big D: 0.5
Breda: 3
TPC: 2
VL: 1.5

Everything Everything – Man Alive

1. MY KZ, UR BF
Big D: This is like a credible Alphabeat.

2. Qwerty Finger
TPC: It seems like it’s five bands playing at the same time – it’s not cohesive.
VL: It’s all over the place.

4. Leave The Engine Room
Big D: This must be what people listen to when they’re self-harming.

6. Photoshop Handsome
TPC: They’ve got good song titles.

9. Come Alive Diana
Big D: As much as I don’t like it and I don’t like the singer’s voice, there’s at least a change in tempo.

12. Weights
Breda: It’s a mess. It like they’ve thought, ‘Let’s do everything’.

Scores:
Big D: 0
Breda: 1
TPC: 2
VL: 1

Ghostpoet – Peanut Butter Blues And Melancholy Jam

2. Us Against Whatever Ever
Big D: Faithless meets The Streets.

3. Finished I Ain’t
Big D: This is awful, the beats are so repetitive.

6. Survive It
Big D: As far as MC-ing goes, he’s not really good at that either.
TPC: He just rhymed ‘daughter’ with ‘Majorca’… that’s worth a point!
VL: This is a bit like Stanley Odd – rapping then a female vocal.

8. Cash And Carry Me Home
Big D: I might have to give it a point for the song title.
VL: He doesn’t have a good voice.

9. Garden Path
VL: He sounds a bit wasted.
Breda: Even if you don’t necessarily like hip-hop you can get involved in the songs, but not this.

10. Liiines
Big D: A rapper with nothing to say – a new concept.
TPC: This has got an indie-rock song structure, I quite like this one.

Scores:
Big D: 2
Breda: 1
TPC: 2.5
VL: 0

Gwilym Simcock – Good Days At Schloss Elmau

TPC: Okay, so this is the token jazz album but don’t worry, it might not be jazz as we understand it.

1. These Are the Good Days
VL: This is jazz as we understand it.
Big D: I’m in a cocktail bar and I’ve just been stood up on a blind date.

3. Gripper
Big D: It’s like a cat trying to get out of a box.
Breda: This sounds pretty basic, not that I know anything about jazz or piano-playing.

5. Northern Smiles
Big D: It feels like I’m listening to a child in a piano lesson who keeps getting it wrong.

8. Elmau Tage
Breda: I feel like I’m not in a place to be able to judge jazz music.
VL: Someone shouldn’t have to explain it to you.

Scores:
Big D: 0
Breda: 0
TPC: 0
VL: 0

James Blake – James Blake

1. Unluck
Big D: This is not music. What the fuck. Remember when CDs would jump – what’s going on? It sounds like [censored].
TPC: I think it would best to stay away from the disabilities, Big D.
VL: There’s potential in his voice but I don’t like anything else.

2. The Wilhelm Scream
Breda: He’s innovative but I don’t think he’ll win.
Big D: If the panel is deaf he’s in with a shout.

3. I Never Learnt To Share
TPC: I don’t think I hate it but I certainly don’t like it.
Breda: I’ve never thought of electronic music as being lovely but this is.

4. Lindesfarne I
Big D: It sounds like he’s having sex with a robot. What’s with the long pauses? It’s like he’s dragging out the future.

7. Give Me My Month
Big D: I don’t think I can cope with jazz AND dubstep.

Scores:
Big D: 1
Breda: 5
TPC: 2
VL: 3.5

Katy B – On A Mission

1. Power On Me
Breda: Topshop music.

3. Why You Always Here
TPC: It’s reminding me of wanky Bath Street style bars.

4. Witches’ Brew
Breda: It’s quite tacky.

5. Movement
VL: I don’t like it even though compared to what we’ve listened to it’s not the worst.

6. Go Away
Breda: This is the best song so far.
VL: I quite like it – maybe I’ve been bludgeoned by what’s gone before.
Big D: It’s still crap, but good crap.

7. Disappear
Breda: I’ve got this image of a really horrendous club.
TPC: These could be proper pop songs with a different arrangement.

9. Lights On
TPC: Is this a Hot Chip cover? It sounds like a rip-off of Hold On.

11. Perfect Stranger
Breda: It sounds outdated.
VL: It’s nasty, crappy dance music.

Scores:
Big D: 1
Breda: 1
TPC: 3
VL: 1.5

King Creosote & Jon Hopkins – Diamond Mine

1. First Watch
Big D: This is gorgeous.
Breda: I really like this.
VL: It’s the sound of someone playing a piano while everybody else goes about their business.
TPC: I’m getting a bit choked up.

2. John Taylor’s Month Away
Big D: [applauds]
Breda: These songs are actually about something other than broken hearts.
VL: This is much needed.

5. Bubble
Breda: It’s the first album that you actually want to give it your attention.
Big D: I always discover music on my own. I’m normally just in my pants. I’m a little overdressed.

6. Your Own Spell
Big D: This is music, I like this.
Breda: There are no gimmicks.
TPC: Definitely echoes of Sigur Ros in the string arrangements.
VL: I’m so happy. I couldn’t have taken another shit album.

Scores:
Big D: 6
Breda: 7
TPC: 7.5
VL: 6

Metronomy – The English Riviera

2. We Broke Free
Breda: It doesn’t sound like how I thought it was going to. It’s quite nice.
VL: It’s quite retro, maybe bits of 70s rock.

4. The Look
Breda: It’s not mindblowing but it is pleasant. There are elements of Prince.
TPC: It’s quite funky.
VL: I like this, I think.

7. The Bay
Big D: I like that rhythm. This is coming close to the weirdest day I’ve ever had.

10 Some Written
Breda: It’s kinda hipster music.

11 Love Underlined
TPC: There’s a bit of imagination in their ideas.

Scores:
Big D: 3
Breda: 4
TPC: 4.5
VL: 4

PJ Harvey – Let England Shake

1. Let England Shake
VL: I quite like this.
TPC: I’m not really feeling it.

2. The Last Living Rose
Breda: I like this tune a lot.
TPC: It’s a good pop song.

6. On Battleship Hill
VL: I think this album will grow on me.

8. In The Dark Places
VL: The album is not instant but there’s enough going on that would make me want to revist it.

9. Bitter Branches
Breda: It’s typical PJ Harvey but it’s still interesting.

11. Written On The Forehead
Big D: None of these songs are doing much for me.
VL: I need to put this album on my iPod.

Scores:
Big D: 4
Breda: 7.5
TPC: 4
VL: 6.5

Tinie Tempah – Disc-Overy

1. Intro
Big D: He’s been shagging a robot as well.

6. Snap
VL: Same old, same old. It’s no different from any American hip-hop.

8. Frisky
Big D: It’s an album for 14 to 16-year-olds, which we are not.

9. Miami 2 Ibiza
Big D: This is foam party music.
Breda: It’s horrific.
TPC: That’s more like it. I think the Red Bull is kicking in!

11. Invincible
Big D: This is awful.
TPC: I love how he has to namecheck himself at the start of the song otherwise you’d have absolutely no idea who he was.

Scores:
Big D: 1
Breda: 1
TPC: 2.5
VL: 2.5

FINAL TALLY (based on average score)
1. King Creosote & Jon Hopkins – Diamond Mine (6.625)
2. PJ Harvey – Let England Shake (5.375)
3. Metronomy – The English Riviera 3.875
4. Adele – 21 (3)
5. James Blake – James Blake (2.875)
6. Anna Calvi – Anna Calvi (2.125)
7. Tinie Tempah – Disc-Overy (2)
8. Katy B – On A Mission (1.875)
9. Elbow - Build A Rocket Boys! (1.75)
10. Ghostpoet – Peanut Butter Blues And Melancholy Jam (1.375)
11. Everything Everything – Man Alive (1)
12. Gwilym Simcock – Good Days At Schloss Elmau (0)

———————————————————————————-

Big D: It feels like I’ve just served a jail sentence and I’m getting out.
Breda: There has to be better albums that have come out in the past year.
VL: Overall, I’m crushingly disappointed by how bad this shortlist is.
TPC: I can’t thank the three of you enough for agreeing to take part in this. For some reason I actually thought it might have been an enjoyable experience. If you want to reconsider our friendship I wouldn’t blame you.

The (official) Mercury Prize winner will be announced on Tuesday, September 6

King Creosote – Bats In The Attic

Anna Calvi – Desire