Given that a musician’s talent derives from their hands, logic dictates that these special people should be above-average in bed and in the kitchen.

While The Pop Cop’s undercover investigation into our music scene’s top 10 lovers remains ongoing, you will have to content yourself with the Scottish Musicians’ Cookbook.

Scottish musicians and cooking have more in common than you might realise: Joe Quimby of Take A Worm For A Walk Week and Remember Remember fame is best known for his passionate and occasionally unhinged blog Glasgow Mega Burrito which is devoted to the creation and devouring of the burrito in all its forms; And before RM Hubbert signed to Chemikal Underground, he had a “Will Play For Food” policy whereby fans could book him to perform a set in their homes in exchange for dinner.

Following on from this now-established great tradition, 14 musicians have concocted a homemade dish of their choosing for readers of The Pop Cop, complete with a list of ingredients, cooking instructions and photographic evidence (video footage in the case of Wake The President) so that you can replicate them in the kitchen for yourself… while listening to their tunes of course!

MICRO-PROTEIN SUPER-BIOTIC FAKE CHICKEN PIE

by Cat Calton, Aerials Up

Ingredients (serves 7)
1 bag of carrots
3 onions
2 trays of closed cup mushrooms (by trays I mean the ones sold in Iceland)
2 bags of micro-protein pieces aka Quorn
½ pack of puff pastry (depending on size of pack – basically you need 250g)
A lot of red Bisto (the original but somehow still veggie type)
2 bags of baby potatoes (from Iceland, notice a theme?)
1 sachet of rosemary roast potato mix from B&M
White sauce
A blob of butter or butter substitute
Dessert spoon of plain flour
Some milk (we used cow & bean)
Seasoning

Instructions
1. Preheat oven to 200ºC. Dice your carrots and onions. Sauté the onions for a couple of minutes in a big wok, add your carrots for 4mins. In another big frying pan, fry off your sliced mushrooms, Quorn pieces and add a wee dash of water. Now add both mixtures together and add 4 teaspoons of Bisto.
2. In a small pot melt butter, mix in flour to make a paste and quickly add a dash of milk. Oh aye, the burner should be on under the pot on a low heat! As the mixture thickens add another dash of milk, keep stirring well, repeat until you’ve added approx 400ml of milk. Once it’s thick and creamy, season well (we went for black pepper, salt, parsley and garlic) and add to pot of onion mixture. Turn off heat under wok. Roll out pastry on floured surface. Pour mixture into casserole dishes. Lay pastry on top and seal round the edges and trim off extra. Cut a couple of slits into the pastry lid. Leave at the side (away from hungry dogs).
3. Boil potatoes for 5mins and drain. Pour enough oil into another casserole dish and stick in the oven for 5mins. Shake B&M potato powder stuff over potatoes. Bring oil dishes out oven and pour potatoes into them and pop back into the oven. Bake potatoes for 40mins. After 20mins pop your pies in (ooh-errr missus!).
4. Once everything’s nicely browned, serve with lashings of Bisto gravy. Mmmmmmm done!

Aerials Up – I Am

January 28, SECC, Glasgow (supporting Snow Patrol) (tickets)
February 9, Tunnels, Aberdeen (tickets)
February 11, King Tut’s, Glasgow (tickets)
February 12, Doghouse Dundee (tickets)
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SPICY OMELETTE (no cats were harmed during the making of this dish)

by Adam Stafford

This is a really simple dish to make (once you’ve mastered the “Final-flick”) – my mother-in-law swears by it!

Ingredients
2 free-range eggs
Carton of semi-skimmed milk
Slither of butter
1 red pepper
Cherry tomatoes
Slice of spicy Mexican cheese
Dried chilli flakes
Hot sauce (optional)

Instructions
1. Make sure you have a decent non-stick frying pan, fapp it on medium-to-high heat and add a knife-slither of butter, melt into the bottom of the pan, rotate until the oil is distributed evenly.
2. Crack your two eggs into a bowl and add only a tiny drop of milk (two tablespoons if you want to measure it out) – if you add any more, the omelette will be watery. Whisk the mixture thoroughly until there are tiny air bubbles and add to the frying butter. Swivel the pan so the omelette mix is evenly distributed and frying well.
3. Chop half of the red pepper and dice it into tiny cubes. After 5mins the omelette mix should be solidifying so add your peppers, chop some cherry tomatoes in half and add them. Sprinkle chilli flakes over the omelette then take a lump of your spicy Mexican cheese (Tesco and Morrisons sell it) and grate it over the omelette. (Spiceheads: add hot sauce at this point for extra spicy potency.)
4. Now for the “Final-flick” – take a fish-slice and gently separate the bottom of the omelette from the pan (you should be doing this throughout) and flick one slide of the omelette over onto the other, like a pancake or a crepe, so the middle of the omelette is sandwiched. The bottom should be golden brown by this point. Reduce heat to low, cook for a further 3-4mins, serve, garnish with some rocket. Bon Appétit!

Adam Stafford – A Temple Of The Holy Ghost

February 25, 13th Note Cafe, Glasgow
March 1, The Tunnels, Aberdeen
March 2, Manna Cafe, Newport-on-Tay
March 4, The Third Door, Edinburgh
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HOMEMADE CHICKEN BROTH

by Michael Cassidy

Ingredients
Chicken stock
Pearl barley
Yellow split peas
Green split peas
Marrow peas
Red lentils
Adzuki beans
1 onion
1 parsnip
2 carrots
Celery
Potato
1 chicken stock cube or 1 vegetable stock cube
Salt, pepper
Dried mix herb of choice

Instructions
1. Take the bones and leftovers of a roast chicken and soak them overnight in a pot of water. This will form the stock of the soup and give it all of the flavour. This also usually determines how much soup you are going to have at the end. At the same time you want to start preparing your soup mix. This will form the fibre of the soup and help keep you warm on a cold January day. If you can get pearl barley, yellow split peas, green split peas, marrow peas, red lentils and even adzuki beans then you are doing great. Morrisons have a country soup mix that has all of these ingredients and is in fact the very same pack I am using for my soup. Take a generous helping of each of these, throw them in a large bowl and steep them overnight in cold water.
2. The next day your chicken stock and lentils should be ready for soup-making. Take the bones and all the excess skin out of the chicken stock and start boiling the leftover tasty water. As I do this, I often like to visit facebook.com/michaelcassidymusic and listen to some relaxing acoustic music but this isn’t a vital part of the recipe.
3. Start adding some vegetables to this mix. I like to add in diced onions, parsnips, carrots (loads), celery and potato. Steer clear of tough vegetables like corn because they will ruin your soup and you will end up crying.
4. Add in your lentils, beans etc that have been steeping overnight. At this point you can also add in a chicken or vegetable stock cube. This will add more flavour to your soup and help thicken it. Watch out, though, because certain stock cubes can be heavily salty. You can also add salt and pepper at this point for extra seasoning but, again, watch out that there isn’t too much salt already in your soup.
5. I find it nice to add a dried mix herb at this point for a more pronounced flavour but this is where you can experiment and really make it your own. So let your hair down and try adding something wild to your soup, although all the rockers really should be wearing a hair net.
6. You have everything in place to actually finish the soup. What I like to do now is bring the soup to the boil (should take 5-10mins depending on how much you have made) then reduce it to a simmer and leave it for about 90mins. This lets all the vegetables cook properly and lets the flavours fully infuse.

Michael Cassidy – Everybody’s Scared

January 18, King Tut’s, Glasgow (tickets)
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BEEF & CHORIZO CHILLI

by Lauren Mayberry, Blue Sky Archives

Ingredients
500g beef mince
100g diced chorizo
2 red onions
3 red chillis
500ml beef stock
400g kidney beans (rinsed)
400g chopped tomatoes
1 tablespoon tomato purée
1 teaspoon smoked paprika
2 teaspoons ground cumin
5 squares of dark chocolate
1 bottle of dark beer or stout
Handful of chopped coriander
1 tablespoon oil
Salt and pepper

Instructions
1. Roughly chop the onions and red chillis. Add a little olive oil to a large pan and heat on the hob. Once the oil is hot, add half the mince. Brown the mince at a high temperature, breaking up any lumps as you go. Once it has browned, put aside in a bowl then add the rest of the meat to the pan and repeat the process.
2. Drain the excess liquid from the browned beef. (Don’t pour it down the sink because such behaviour on a continual basis might block up your pipes and you may have to pay £72 for an emergency plumber to come out over the Christmas period when the pipe gives up and there’s water fleeing all over your kitchen floor. Not that that happens to people. Just saying.)
3. Use the same pan you browned the meat in to fry up the other stuff. Add the onions and cook on a gentle heat for 2-3mins until they soften. Add the chorizo, chillis, paprika and cumin and cook for 2mins.
4. Re-add all of the browned beef to the pan then stir in the beef stock, kidney beans, chopped tomatoes and tomato purée. Gently simmer for at least 45 minutes. (The longer you cook it, the more tasty it gets. I would say a maximum of 2-3 hours. Not days or anything. That’s mental.)
5. Whilst it’s simmering, add in the dark chocolate. Season with salt and pepper to taste and slap it on a plate, putting the coriander on top for a fancy edge.
6. Serve with rice, tortillas or nachos with sour cream and guacamole. I didn’t make the guac. I bought it from Tesco. Whatever.

Blue Sky Archives – Cosplay The Hard Way

January 18, Bloc, Glasgow (free)
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PAN-FRIED SCOTTISH WHITING WITH CRUSHED POTATOES, SYBOES, SHREDS OF HAM HOUGH AND A BUTTER SAUCE

by David Richards, Fiction Faction

Ham hough and whiting aren’t used enough, almost forgotten these days. They are healthy, Scottish and cheap – this dish cost me just £5 and feeds two handsomely. Also, ask your butcher to saw the hough in half. The supermarket fella will do this too. You don’t want to get home and realise you don’t have a pot large enough.

Ingredients
1 ham hough
2 skinless whiting fillets
10 baby potatoes
Bunch of syboes
50g butter
Half the juice of one lemon

Instructions
1. Boil the ham hough slowly for a minimum of three hours. Then allow it to cool and pick the meat off the bone.
2. Boil your baby potatoes until a knife slides through easily, drain and give them a very gentle mash, you don’t want them too broken up. Add the syboes (thinly sliced) along with the picked ham. The residual heat from the potatoes will cook the syboes in minutes. Season the mixture, however ham hough is salty so easy with the salt.
3. Bring a pan to a medium heat. Whiting is quite a delicate fish so just a medium heat for a minute or so a side. Place the fish on top of the potato mixture. To finish, add the butter to the pan the fish was cooked in and allow to brown slightly, then add the lemon, salt and pepper and pour over the completed dish.

Fiction Faction – Malenky Lizards

January 27, The Flying Duck, Glasgow (Pin Up Nights) (tickets)
February 11, The Captain’s Rest, Glasgow (tickets)
April 13, King Tut’s, Glasgow (tickets)
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PESTO ALLA GENOVESE (pasta with fresh homemade pesto, green beans and potato)

By Tom Stearn, Kettle of Kites

This is a traditional recipe from Genoa in the region of Liguria in northern Italy. It is the recipe of my girlfriend’s family, who is from Genoa, and when her mum made it for me the first time I stayed with them in Italy it was a revelation! So much better than the jarred or even fresh stuff you can buy here. The word ‘pesto’ in Italian means just a mix of ingredients that are bashed together to make a paste, but the pesto using basil originated from Genoa. In each region of Italy they will make it a slightly different way – omitting some ingredients or changing the quantities – so this is not the only way you can have it. Although traditionally the mix is bashed in a pestle and mortar, you can (and my girlfriend’s mum does) use a food processor to make it. It will just have a slightly different texture.

Ingredients (serves 4):
Around 50 basil leaves
50g pecorino cheese (there are many varieties, they’ll all work)
50g fresh Parmesan cheese
30g pine nuts
1-2 garlic cloves
Sea salt
Extra virgin olive oil
100g fine green beans
3 medium potatoes
500g pasta (linguine, trofie, gnocchi or lasagne sheets are traditional)

Instructions
1. If using a food processor put in the basil, pine nuts, garlic, pecorino, Parmesan, 2 tbsps of oil and a pinch of sea salt, and blend until it has formed a paste. Add some more oil to loosen the mixture but not too much (around 1-2 tbsps); often the pesto you buy here is swimming in oil which makes the dish really heavy and, well, oily, so just enough that it’s not a solid mixture but is still really thick. If using a pestle and mortar, bash the ingredients into a paste a few things at a time, starting with the garlic, basil, pine nuts and salt, then adding the cheeses a bit at a time and the oil to loosen it.
2. Fill the biggest pan you have with around 2 litres of water and bring to the boil (you need a lot of water to cook the pasta properly). Peel the potatoes and cut to around 2cm cubes. Cut the ends off the beans and throw the potatoes and the beans in the boiling water. Boil them for around 8-10mins depending on how long the type of pasta cooks for and at this point add the salt in with the ingredients to cook the pasta. The salting is very important as in Italy they put a lot more salt in the cooking water than we do. Salt the pasta properly and achieve the right bite (the salt actually affects the way the pasta cooks). A general rule is: for every 1 litre of water you need around 10g of salt. This will seem like a lot but it’s right.
3. Add the pasta in with the potatoes and beans already in the pot and use the cooking time on the packet.
4. While the pasta is cooking, put about 1 tbsp of pesto on each person’s dish and then take a tbsp of the water you’re cooking the pasta in and spoon it over the pesto. If you want, add a little drizzle of oil on, and combine well. Repeat this on all the dishes (this is a really important stage as the pesto will become creamy looking and lighter in colour). Taste the pasta before the time’s up and if it needs the full time or maybe even a bit more that’s fine.
5. Drain everything well and divide up the pasta, potatoes and beans over the pesto. Serve like this if you want and everyone can mix the pesto into the pasta. Some people put Parmesan on top. Buon appetito!

Kettle Of Kites – Mr Pearl

February 16, The Vintage Village Fete, Edinburgh
February 17, Art School, Glasgow
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SPICY LENTIL LOVEHEARTS

by Lucy Cathcart Frödén, Tall Tales

Ingredients
1 big cup of red lentils
1-1½ big cups of gram flour
Fresh chillis
Fresh ginger
Turmeric
Cayenne pepper
Cumin seeds
Grated lemon peel
Salt and pepper

Instructions
1. Rinse the lentils and boil them till they turn soft (probably about 10mins) but don’t let them dissolve into soup, or all is lost. Drain them really well in a colander.
2. Mix them with a generous helping of your favourite spices and add some grated lemon peel and plenty of salt and pepper.
3. Add gram flour, a bit at a time, until you’ve got a rollable dough.
4. Roll out on a floured surface and use a cookie cutter or knife to make your all-time favourite shapes.
5. Shallow fry on a medium heat until golden brown on both sides.
6. Serve with a herby yogurt dip (chopped mint and coriander is nice, or you could go all chivey).
7. Eat them while they’re hot and fresh.

Tall Tales – All The Things You Read To Me

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SOUFFLÉ BROCCOLI & ONION OMELETTE

by Clare Simpson, If You Lived Here You’d Be Home By Now

Ingredients (serves 2-3)
4 eggs
1 broccoli head
2 garlic cloves
1 medium onion
80g cheddar cheese
100ml milk

Instructions
1. Cut the broccoli into small florets, finely chop the onion and purée the garlic. Put your grill on a medium-high heat.
2. Heat a generous knob of butter in a pan and add the broccoli, onions and garlic. Cook on a medium heat until the onions are soft and the broccoli is cooked but still has a reasonable bite to it. Add the milk to the pan and reduce so the vegetables are sticky and not too wet. Now remove from the heat and place in a separate bowl.
3. Separate the egg whites from the yolks and whisk the whites until they resemble stiff peaks. Then gently fold in the yolks and broccoli mixture. Season with pepper.
4. Heat another generous knob of butter in a saucepan on medium heat. Pour in the eggy vegetable mixture and cook for about 4-5mins. Grate the cheese over the omelette and place under grill until golden brown and bubbling.
5. Carefully cut the omelette into quarters and serve with a lovely fresh salad. You can make changes to the cheese if you fancy – Stilton works well.

If You Lived Here, You’d Be Home By Now – My Heart’s In A Mess

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VEGGIE BANGERS ‘N’ MASH

by Oli Kass, Homework

Too much meat over Christmas but need a hearty meal in order to stave off putting the heating on? You could do a lot worse than this classic, no-nonsense winter warmer. You could also do a lot better.

Ingredients
Veggie sausages (don’t worry which kind, they won’t taste like meat anyway)
Potatoes
Carrots
Cabbage
Bisto gravy – a mixture of 50% ‘Favourite’ & 50% ‘Carmalised Onion’ works best
Yorkshire pudding (if you want to push the boat out)

Instructions
1. Whack the sausages in the oven (180ºC) and get the potatoes on the boil (15-20mins)
2. Get the carrots on the go (usually 10mins)
3. Get the cabbage on the go (usually 5mins)
4. Mash the potatoes with plenty of butter, cream and season to taste.
5. Use the drained potato water to make the gravy. You can add some cooked mushroom and onion if you wanna get fancy like.
6. Take the sausages out of the oven (30mins). If you have Yorkshire puddings add them in for 2-3mins to heat through.
7. Get it served and scoffed before you notice the sausages aren’t meat.

Homework – Why Oh Why

January 20, Voodoo Rooms, Edinburgh (tickets)
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CHICKEN PESTO PASTA WITH TOASTED PINE NUTS

by Andrew Lindsay, Coat Hooks

Ingredients
Chicken breast fillets
Some form of pasta (today, I’m using Morrison’s finest “pasta quills”)
Pine nuts
Pesto
Olive oil

Instructions
1. Dice up your chicken breasts.
2. Boil some salty water and add the required amount of pasta when it’s time.
3. As the pasta boils, put some oil in a pan and start cooking the chicken until it’s nice and pasty.
4. Once the chicken’s ready, it’s probably time to drain the pasta.
5. Leave the chicken in a wee bowl for now and put some pine nuts in another small pan.
6. Put these guys on a medium heat, tossing them every 30-45 seconds until they’re brownish.
7. Merge the chicken and pasta, then add the pesto. Heat it as you smoosh.
8. Get it in a bowl, and throw the pine nuts in. Serve!

Coat Hooks – Popcorn Blues

January 18, King Tut’s, Glasgow (tickets)
February 16, The Captain’s Rest, Glasgow (tickets)
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SPECIAL SKYE FUDGE

by Innes Strachan, Niteworks

Ideal for winning over the mother of any potential girlfriends!

Ingredients
50g butter
1 tin condensed milk
1lb granulated sugar
2 tablespoons golden syrup
1 cup of milk

Instructions
1. Over a very low heat (1 or 2 on your hob) melt the butter in a heavy-based saucepan with the condensed milk. Once melted, add the sugar and mix together until a thick, sticky, sugary substance is formed. Add milk and golden syrup and mix in. Keep the hob on a very low heat, stirring the mixture, and bring it to the boil very slowly. This is the key as you need to make sure all the sugar melts so you’re not left with gritty fudge.
2. The fudge mixture will gradually change colour, getting darker as it gets closer to being ready. Before taking the pan off the heat, you want your mixture to be dark brown but be careful you don’t let it burn or stick to the bottom of the pan. A good tip for checking whether the mixture is ready and all sugar is dissolved is to take a teaspoon of your fudge mixture, run under a cold tap and then taste it. If it’s smooth and you can’t feel any sugar granules then take the pan off the heat.
3. With an electric whisk, beat the mixture for a good 5-10mins until you see the consistency of the mixture starting to get thicker and more rigid. Once the mixture has lost its shine, pour into a well-greased baking tray and leave to cool.
4. Once cooled, put the fudge in the fridge for a few hours then cut it up into small squares and serve.

Niteworks – Coisich

January 21, Oran Mor, Glasgow (tickets)
February 3, The Arches, Glasgow (tickets)
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PARTY PINEAPPLE

by Louise Quinn, A Band Called Quinn

The origins of the Party Pineapple was passed down to me via my older sister, who used to read Jackie magazine. I saw similar things on buffet tables at Lanarkshire weddings made by one of my dad’s nine sisters whilst doing the slosh to Una Paloma Blanca. This is my more exotic take on the classic (someone from the actual era recently informed me that an orange covered in tin foil should in fact be used as the base).

Ingredients
1 Pineapple
Cocktail sausages
Small pickled onions
Cheddar cheese

Instructions
1. Cut the pineapple in half and place the spiky end on a plate.
2. Cut the other half into cubes along with the cheese (make sure the cheese doesn’t get soggy from pineapple or onion juice as it makes it really difficult to skewer onto the cocktail sticks).
3. Skewer the cocktail sausages, onions and pineapples onto the cocktail sticks alongside the cheese cubes and stick hedgehog-style into your pineapple.
4. Voilà! You are ready to party with your pineapple!

A Band Called Quinn – Snowblind

January 13, Maggie Mays, Glasgow
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WHISKY FRUIT CAKE

by Fiona Soe Paing

Ingredients
2 cups plain flour
1 cup butter
4 large eggs
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 cup brown sugar
1 or 2 pints whisky
1 cup dried fruit
1 teaspoon salt
Juice of 1 lemon
¼ cup chopped nuts

Instructions
1. Sample the whisky to check for good quality. Select a large mixing bowl/cup. Check the whisky again, taking care not to overfill the measuring cup. Pour into a glass, drink quickly.
2. Repeat the last step again.
3. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
4. Make sure the whisky is still of highest quality.
5. Add two arge leggs, two cups of dried fruit and beat till high. Next, sift three cups of salt or anything, it doesn’t really matter.
6. Sample whisky again, checking for tonsicicity.
7. Sift half the lemon juice, fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add one babblespoon of sugar or whatever you can find and mix in well. Grease the oven and turn cake tin 360 degrees. Now pour the whole thing into the oven.
8. Check whisky for a final time and go to bed.

Fiona Soe Paing – Deep Song

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SPAGHETTI BOLOGNESE

by Björn Sandberg, Wake The President

Wake The President – Elaine

March 3, CCA, Glasgow
April 6, Stereo, Glasgow (tickets)
April 7, The Voodoo Rooms, Edinburgh (tickets)